Let's go straight to the point here. Nothing turns me on more then a good challenge... which is exactly why I'm trying to get away from making "cheesecakes" for awhile, and heading towards cakes... well, okay...I lied.. there's an exception to the turn ons, like maybe the idea of owning my own exotic fruit orchid being maintained by nearly naked clones of Christian Bale walking around in golden speedos... mmm, yes. Nothing sexier then a good looking man pruning a fig and rambutan tree. ANYWAYS, I've been researched food alchemy and whatnot, in my relentless effort to try to perfectly mimic a "sponginess" and "fluffiness" of an actual, baked, cake, but you know... obviously, using raw and vegan ingredients. I was watching the Paula's Party (as I usually do, since Paula Deen is, ironically, one of my favorite TV chefs... BUT to my defense, my liking for her is mostly due in part to her feeling compelled to molest every man that makes a guest appearance on her show.. ahh.. good times) and right before she started to lick a stick of butter off of a fireman's stomach, she had the most ridiculous looking red velvet cake on there. I mean, this thing made MY mouth water... and this was after seeing all the butter, white flour, shit, shit shit, etc. go into the recipe. But man, it was just beautiful. The episode sort of set off a lightbulb and then out of nowhere (seriously) a cascade of ideas of how I could duplicate a southern red velvet just came to me. LIKE THAT! Simultaneous mental orgasms, would be the best way to describe it!
After about a week (no exaggeration here, it took me a WEEK to prepare all of the ingredients and steps that went into this cake) this was the finished result.
Raw Vegan Southern Red Velvet Cake
Now I KNOW red velvet, traditionally anyways, don't look anything like this from any exterior perspective.. but you know, sometimes I just can't help myself and tend to get a little carried away with making it look nice. PLUS, it gives me an excuse to make an excess of frosting to eat in the process for you know, erm.. "decorating" purposes...or so I tell myself so I don't feel like such a lard ass after eating a cup of icing that was meant for the cake! ;D
THE MONEY SHOT. I actually screamed when I cut out a slice, just because it came out so nice...AND the icing in the middle didn't fuck up and settled right, so THAT was a big plus. WHOOOP FOR ME!
the final result. and yes, the orchid flower was eaten. are orchids edible? hell if I know, but I haven't gotten the shits yet, so I'm just going to assume that either it was, or I have enough stomach acid to blast through it without having any problems.
The cake was finished, on um..sunday? yeah, so yesterday morning.
This is the sad corpse that remains in the fridge as of an hour ago...
.. such a lonely sight.
OH OH OH. cody tried it, said it tasted like shit, walked away, and an hour later I snuck up on him cutting a slice to take to his room. I knew his grease and butter loving self couldn't resist the sexiest thing i've made thus far.
onto some un-cake related news, Starbucks has recruited me as their newest Barista...and after the training that I had today, I have 5 things I'd like to say:
1. There is WAY too much information you need to know ABOUT coffee. Honestly, I don't think the majority of people who order a regular house coffee care to know whether or not the coffee originated from latin america or south africa, and how heavy the "aroma" is or not.
2. They need to set up a recycling system. BADLY.
3. If my snakebites close because I have to take out my piercing for work, somebody is getting SOMETHING broken in exchange.
4. Why is it considered a safety hazard if your short, fitted polo isn't tucked in? Is it going to leap out and attack somebody?
5. If you want to wear nail polish, you have to give them a week's notice in advance. seriously.
All in all though, it's a pretty good company those things aside. I asked what they did with all of their food that wasn't used for the day (since they don't store anything past a week for optimal quality) and they donate all of their food to nearby shelters that need it. Plus, they compost their coffee grounds! I know these things are done for advertising purposes, but hey, as long as it's being DONE, then it's all fine by me.
also, I had to buy the most ungodly, atrocious, burn the rim of my cornea because they are so ugly, work shoes.
Okay, so now that I'm looking at them on the computer, they sort of look like Filas. BUT IF YOU SAW THEM IN PERSON, you'd completely agree with me on the nastiness factor. And I don't give a shit if that makes me sound materialistic, I'm entitled to like things that appeal to me visually.
I wish I hadn't eaten all of the apricots and figs my neighbor brought over for me from her tree. Damn it.
Time to go tend to my herb garden!
PS. If you look closely in the herb picture above, you can see my chocolate mint plant trying to get freaky with the lavender flowers. Pervert plants.
PPS. I forgot to mention this above in my cake post, and am far too lazy to scroll ALL THE WAY BACK UP, so here it is...there are NO beets in my red velvet cake. NONE. ZIP. NADA. The taste of beets is WAY too overpowering for such a light dessert, and would destroy the subtle chocolate taste found in red velvets.
PPPS. I'm really craving some of Juliano's kale chips right about now..mm..
PPPPS. I know why, it's because all i've had today was fruit and fats.
PPPPPS. mmm, fat.
PPPPPPS. OKAY, I'm done.