Monday, June 30, 2008

typing in the nuddypants and eating some bomb ass cake


Let's go straight to the point here. Nothing turns me on more then a good challenge... which is exactly why I'm trying to get away from making "cheesecakes" for awhile, and heading towards cakes... well, okay...I lied.. there's an exception to the turn ons, like maybe the idea of owning my own exotic fruit orchid being maintained by nearly naked clones of Christian Bale walking around in golden speedos... mmm, yes. Nothing sexier then a good looking man pruning a fig and rambutan tree. ANYWAYS, I've been researched food alchemy and whatnot, in my relentless effort to try to perfectly mimic a "sponginess" and "fluffiness" of an actual, baked, cake, but you know... obviously, using raw and vegan ingredients. I was watching the Paula's Party (as I usually do, since Paula Deen is, ironically, one of my favorite TV chefs... BUT to my defense, my liking for her is mostly due in part to her feeling compelled to molest every man that makes a guest appearance on her show.. ahh.. good times) and right before she started to lick a stick of butter off of a fireman's stomach, she had the most ridiculous looking red velvet cake on there. I mean, this thing made MY mouth water... and this was after seeing all the butter, white flour, shit, shit shit, etc. go into the recipe. But man, it was just beautiful. The episode sort of set off a lightbulb and then out of nowhere (seriously) a cascade of ideas of how I could duplicate a southern red velvet just came to me. LIKE THAT! Simultaneous mental orgasms, would be the best way to describe it!

After about a week (no exaggeration here, it took me a WEEK to prepare all of the ingredients and steps that went into this cake) this was the finished result.


Raw Vegan Southern Red Velvet Cake

Now I KNOW red velvet, traditionally anyways, don't look anything like this from any exterior perspective.. but you know, sometimes I just can't help myself and tend to get a little carried away with making it look nice. PLUS, it gives me an excuse to make an excess of frosting to eat in the process for you know, erm.. "decorating" purposes...or so I tell myself so I don't feel like such a lard ass after eating a cup of icing that was meant for the cake! ;D


THE MONEY SHOT. I actually screamed when I cut out a slice, just because it came out so nice...AND the icing in the middle didn't fuck up and settled right, so THAT was a big plus. WHOOOP FOR ME!


the final result. and yes, the orchid flower was eaten. are orchids edible? hell if I know, but I haven't gotten the shits yet, so I'm just going to assume that either it was, or I have enough stomach acid to blast through it without having any problems.
The cake was finished, on um..sunday? yeah, so yesterday morning. 
This is the sad corpse that remains in the fridge as of an hour ago...


.. such a lonely sight.
OH OH OH. cody tried it, said it tasted like shit, walked away, and an hour later I snuck up on him cutting a slice to take to his room. I knew his grease and butter loving self couldn't resist the sexiest thing i've made thus far. 

onto some un-cake related news, Starbucks has recruited me as their newest Barista...and after the training that I had today, I have 5 things I'd like to say:
1. There is WAY too much information you need to know ABOUT coffee. Honestly, I don't think the majority of people who order a regular house coffee care to know whether or not the coffee originated from latin america or south africa, and how heavy the "aroma" is or not.
2. They need to set up a recycling system. BADLY.
3. If my snakebites close because I have to take out my piercing for work, somebody is getting SOMETHING broken in exchange.
4. Why is it considered a safety hazard if your short, fitted polo isn't tucked in? Is it going to leap out and attack somebody?
5. If you want to wear nail polish, you have to give them a week's notice in advance. seriously.

All in all though, it's a pretty good company those things aside. I asked what they did with all of their food that wasn't used for the day (since they don't store anything past a week for optimal quality) and they donate all of their food to nearby shelters that need it. Plus, they compost their coffee grounds! I know these things are done for advertising purposes, but hey, as long as it's being DONE, then it's all fine by me. 

also, I had to buy the most ungodly, atrocious, burn the rim of my cornea because they are so ugly, work shoes. 


Okay, so now that I'm looking at them on the computer, they sort of look like Filas. BUT IF YOU SAW THEM IN PERSON, you'd completely agree with me on the nastiness factor. And I don't give a shit if that makes me sound materialistic, I'm entitled to like things that appeal to me visually. 



I wish I hadn't eaten all of the apricots and figs my neighbor brought over for me from her tree. Damn it. 
Time to go tend to my herb garden! 

PS. If you look closely in the herb picture above, you can see my chocolate mint plant trying to get freaky with the lavender flowers. Pervert plants.
PPS. I forgot to mention this above in my cake post, and am far too lazy to scroll ALL THE WAY BACK UP, so here it is...there are NO beets in my red velvet cake. NONE. ZIP. NADA. The taste of beets is WAY too overpowering for such a light dessert, and would destroy the subtle chocolate taste found in red velvets.
PPPS. I'm really craving some of Juliano's kale chips right about now..mm..

PPPPS. I know why, it's because all i've had today was fruit and fats.

PPPPPS. mmm, fat.




PPPPPPS. OKAY, I'm done.


Monday, June 23, 2008

TOO damn hot

I hate this weather. 100+ degrees is NOT flattering whatsoever, at least not on me anyways... makeup all melting down my face causing temporary blindness, hair all jerry curled and shit, clothing sticking to my body every which way. And WHERE am I writing this blog from? PALM SPRINGS! Whatever possessed my parents into believing that the desert is the place to be for summer is incredibly disturbed. All the people here look like lizards...skin all sucked up and either red from the sun or orange from overindulging in store bought self tanner lotion. RANK. ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY since that meant missing out on the big Au Lac trip all the oc/la raw foodies took. gaaaaay. I'm going down there next month FOR SURE. I don't give a damn if that means eating alone! It will be done!

all unbearable heat aside, this week/weekend has actually been varrrrrry good. mhm. STRAIGHT A'S SUCKKKAS! Busted my ass all quarter so in case I fucked up during finals, i'd be covered 100%. Next quarter doesn't start until Sept., so expect more blog updates and food and such...unless of course I get lazy (which wouldn't be much of a surprise with this disgusting heat wave) and completely forget about it until I see somebody else's blog updated. Saturday we went out to LA with some familia and cruised around town before hittin palm springs. Stopped by the observatory (gay. boring. all around lamesauce) and then chinatown and olvera st. (woop! $3 purse and some possibly infected $5 shiitakes..I guess i'll find out whether they're rotten or not when I eat them and possibly get the shits) then I convinced everyone to try out Cru since i've been dying to eat there...well, everyone except for my brother who walked across the street to some gay (literally) chicken hut/breakfast place who's specialty (brace yourself) was..yes... sausage...WHICH was eaten inside Cru, so the smell of fried chicken and corn bread filled the restaurant and, i'm sure, spoiled the taste of the food for some people. Surprisingly, they didn't ask him to leave or even eat outside, they just sort of glared at him, probably visualizing him with a machete in his head or something. 

SO. onto the Cru, and my review of it.


The restaurant should be bigger. MUCH bigger. It's cute, don't get me wrong, but seriously, there were people who were either getting turned away, or told they'd have to wait for a minimum of 30 minutes just for a table. Which wasn't cool, because I know if that had been me, I would've been pissed. The service? Shit. Sorry if that sounds mean and all, but I'm just being honest. They have ONE server. ONE. I know that may seem adequate considering that the restaurant itself only has about 10 tables, but it wasn't. We waited for 30 minutes just to get water, and some freakishly large, very bland, flax chips. 


The Chorizo Wraps (BOMBAY. A little dry, but really good shit)
     Pizza Duo (also, pretty good. The nut pestos both retained distinct sweet & savory qualities)
                       The brownie w/vanilla ice cream (major disappointment. MAJOR)



No complaints about the quality of taste on both entrees. Was the pizza worth $15 and the brownie $8? FUCK NO. I'd pay the $8 for the chorizo again, since that was reasonably priced... but seriously, not to sound like a glutinous lard ass or anything, but the 4 slices combined were literally the size of my hand. And that side salad was plain. No elaborate sauce, nope. Not even some freaking olive oil! Which would've perfectly complimented the pizza. NOPE. Just good ol' plain greens. The brownie was the biggest disappointment, seriously. I'm (obviously) really into raw dessert preparation, so when I'm paying (okay, I didn't pay for lunch, but that's completely besides the point) $8 for a brownie and a scoop of ice cream, I'm expecting it to be pretty damn good. 
The brownie was OKAY, the aesthetic of the brownie itself reminded me of a rye flatbread, the recipe could've called for a sweeter nut, and maybe less dates and more cacao. The ice cream was shit. Sorry. It didn't even taste like vanilla. It tasted like, hm.. mildly flavored ice. Yes, that would be the best description. Though, the presentation was nice, and the chocolate sauce was pretty okay, so i'll give them that.

Next order of business. EREWHON. Yes, I finally went, and yes, I came 48190481024029321317 times each second I was in that beautiful, beautiful store. I had to contain myself, otherwise i would've ended up blowing $200 easy on ingredients. Their smoothies are overpriced. Just thought i'd throw that in. Finally bought some irish moss (woooo!) which will be put to very good use in the upcoming weeks. AAAND, they give you a free reusable bag! very cool.


       Chocolate Chip Cookies

In happier dessert news, I've completed phase 1 of my cookie project. Your ass heard (or read, rather) right. Cookie project. I'm on a mission to create the perfect raw chocolate chip cookie. These ones came out reallllllly good, though, next time I'm going to use a darker agave to compliment the chocolate better. Oh man. I had like, 6 today already. I can't breathe, or walk, and my stomach is probably going to explode causing violent throw up to spew out of my mouth, BUT...it was so worth it. 

I just uploaded amilli and day 'n' night onto my phone's ringtones and now i'm extremely happy, with the exception of my ass numbing because somebody switched out the comfy seat for the hard ass steel one. Ah lil' wayne, why are you so DOPE?!


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

And then it feel off in my hands

A hoy hoy!

So I finally got off my ass and decided to update my blogger since it's been only about, erm..a month since i've been on. (actually, i'm not really "off" my ass, since i'm using my school's research terminals to update this whilist standing since the cold metal proves to be extremely uncomfortable in the ass-al region) Many vair vair interesting things have been going on over here in april-a-go-go land (i.e. san bernardino, aka san bernarghetto) School is finally out (yipee and three times yay!) . Actually, i'm in the last week of my finals..but I only have two tests left, both in fairly easy classes that I'm doing well in, so if I fuck up..it's all good, because I insured my ass all the way through the quarter by being a slave to homework and studying and such. I'm really looking forward to next quarter (which isn't until the fall, or more specifically early september) since i'll be taking classes (against my advisior's request..who INSISTED i take 4 math classes to get ahead...yeah...I don't think so..) that I have a legitimate interest in. Let's see here...ANTHRO141 - world cultures and religious impact, PHIL308-alternative logics, KINE323-sociology of physical activity, and HUM344-ideas in american culture. OHH YES. It's gonna be muy amazingo. Minus the horrendous amounts of money i'm expectating to spend on books and such...I intend on using my irresistable charm in an attempt at getting my dad to buy me a new laptop, *cough* macbook air *cough* perferably in black *cough* with at least 3GB of memory storage *cough*. We'll see how that goes over though, since the fucking IRS is stiffing me in terms of my stimulus check. YEAH, QUICK TO COLLECT YOUR $32.50 THAT I OWED ON STATE INCOME TAX, BUT TAKE ALLL THE TIME YOU NEED SENDING OUT MY $600. Assmonkies. Oh, and I made a new pie. *points to picture* Strawberry bottom, Coconut cream center, blueberry top layer, and a blackberry glass coulis (or however the shit you spell that word). It was amazingly refreshing in this digusting heat global warming has been subjecting me to. I'd also like to take this time to point out that my car has NO air conditioning, so while it's 90 something outside, my car is an unbearable 100+ degrees. I've been going to class drenched in sweat, walking in lookin like I just entered a wet tee shirt contest or something. Not cool. Literally.


I just now realized that the school's library has a massive portrait of some old man hovering above the computer stations that i'm at. Hm..I can't make out the name from here, but he looks like somebody who gets a kick out of wearing women's lingerie while rubbing bologna on himself..which is making me a little uneasy. OH SHIT. So off topic (not that any of my blog's really have one to begin with..), but I was at the store the other day, and you know what I saw? HEAD CHEESE. Nastiest looking thing on the planet.


<--- SEE WHAT I MEAN?! NASSSSTY!

And it looked even worse in the store, since the one I saw had fragments of yellow and orange chunky shit embedded into it. After getting home from stater's, I went online to find out exactly what the fuck head cheese actually contains. First, apparently it is NOT a cheese (so why was it in the "cheese" section? I suppose for the same reasoning that special K cereals and snickers marathon bars are placed under the nutritional aisle) it's a jellied sausage that includes pieces of the feet, heart, tongue, and of course you can't forget the head! I guess what makes it so "jello-y" is that when the head is simmered, the oils and fats form a gooey substance that sort of 'molds' all of the meat together. super digusting, but just thought i'd share that little tid bit of information with you, my favorite chummy chum chums.

All head cheese aside, the 5000 calorie project that i'd been working on for my HSCI class was a complete success..not so much NOW since i've become ridiculously out of shape from having no time for the gym or working out without having to sacrifice studying time or sleep. I managed to maintain my weight for the most part, and actually dropped 1 1/2% body fat. My professor was shocked and at first thought I had rigged it and was putting false information, but eventually caved in to the fact that she was wrong and I was right. After admitting her defeat, I celebrated doing my "haha-in-your-face-I-was-right-and-you-weren't" super disco inferno dance outside of the classroom. OF COURSE, the hot dude that sits in the back walked out right as I was in the heat of dance (story of my life) but he just sort of smiled and nodded polietly as he shuffled past me at what seemed like a small sprint.

When I first came here (to my school that is, not blogger, because then what I'm about to say wouldn't really make much sense..well, it WOULD, but not as much sense as what I'm about to say) seeing pretty much nobody of the opposite sex who was vair vair "easy on the eyes" so to speak, I made peace with the fact that san bernardino is NOT the place to find a really sexy and super gorgey dude. I WAS WRONG! They are everywhere...see! One just passed by right now. Of course he's wearing a pink holister shirt with yellow flip flops, but that's completely besides the point. Though, this discovery hasn't really done much for me in the oven of love department. Why is that you ask? Because for some reason or another, I seem to only attract people who I am not attracted to. A good example of this, would be 3 hours ago on the freeway. I was minding my own business, dancing and driving (along with poor/ear shattering singing) to kayne's graduation. What happens next? Two old mexican guys who look like my DAD whistle at me and try to wave me over.

"what? you want me to drive into your car or something?"

"AYEE, WHATCHU DOIN MAMIS WHERE YOU GOING?!!"

"nowhere fast, obviously."

My friend said the best place to meet hot dudes is clubbing. Which, I can not lie, is vair true. HOWEVER, most of these guys couldn't locate america on map if they had a teacher's aid helping them. So, Hot? Beyond reason/blindingly so/so goodlooking it's unlawful. More then a few boxes short in the mental attic? You bet your ass. And that just will not do.

Last time I tried entrancers a guy at a club my false eyelashes, that my mom convinced me into wearing for the night, got stuck together while dancing. So instead of looking sexy/alluring/mysterious, I probably looked blind/confused/all out mad. I've given up on flirting, i'm no good at it. It's all "hey ya, wink wink, you know?" and they're like, "no, I DON'T know wink wink, coffee sometime?" Too much work. I went on a "blind date" last week and he was like, "coffee?" to which I ALMOST replied "are you crazy? don't you know what that does to your adrenals?!!" but instead opted for "I won't do coffee. But i'm down for tea." Which seemed like a much more sane of a response. If only I could find somebody who looked like some cross between Johnny Iuzzini, Orlando Bloom (shut up), and Christian Bale with maybe the body of Michael Phelps..that's not asking too much is it? I should think not.

Good lord i'm hot, very literally. The ac is on in here and I can feel the sweat glands getting ready to kick into gear. If I start having hot and cold flashes that'll be the end of it. This is what I get for trying to get all fancy and look good with these damned hair extensions. ALAS! They look so groovey, but insulate my head far too much for this summer weather. My brother said they were probably shaved off some 3rd world country child's head, but you know what? Hair grows back. Who ever died of a bald head, you tell me?! Point proven, my inner conscientious is cleared!

Hm. The lady at the desk keeps smiling at me. I think she may have a bit of the lezzie going on......oh, nevermind, i'm standing in the way of the terminal numbers. Not even the old lezzie librarian is interested in me. Fallen back into the bed of pain and the oven of love.

You know, when I write these things, I often wonder, "who really takes the time to read this crap?!" look at this nonsense, i've gone from school, to my pie, to head cheese, to hot guys (or lack thereof), to becoming blind at the mercy of false eyelashes. Good lord and Blimey O'Reilly's pants.

I want to move to england. Or froggy land, aka france. I bet il y aura les hommes chauds en abondance AKA hot men galore. Hot FOREIGN men, at that. Brings me back to the time I went to disneyland and made out with an italian exchange student visiting for the summer who didn't speak a word of english...ahh...good times..