Monday, April 28, 2008

hedonistic cooter snooging and looping cumbias



This weekend was lots of good, interesting fun. Made this dope ass raspberry (or as Charles calls it, FUCKTASTIC...which is very appropriately named if I do say so myself) chocolate pie, took some to the neighbors..the rest was finished off between the family and I. With the exception of my brother. He refuses to try ANYTHING that can and would be even remotely healthy for you. He swears he'd rather eat solidified bacon fat then try one of my desserts. I told him, "well, fine then! die from having a fat ass and clogged arteries!" and then he shouted back, "I WILL!"...and then there was a brief silence, followed by an unspoken apology session of guitar hero and halo 3.
Went to gameworks to play DDR (i'm hooked), and made all the little asian kids look lame in the light of my apparent awesomeness at the game.
I've got crazy legs.
Legs crazy for DDR.
Yessss.

You know? When people say i'm funny, usually my initial reaction is.."oh gee thanks..I know i'm not the greatest looking person, but you really didn't have to go THAT far.." and then they clarify and say NO NO! your sense of humor silly! silly? please, don't ever use that word again.
I'm not that funny. If I were, i'd be be filthy rich from a self-made comedy routine that would be being enjoying by millions of people with good taste in comedy, and I would be staring in movies with people like Amy Poeler and Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, etc etc..and would be canoodling with sexy sex god male models every waking second of the day, swapping saliva and bodily fluids every which way. 

OK. 
Maybe not.

But close.
Pretty DAMN close.

We went to go play pool at this uberly ghetto place about 20-25 minutes from my house that we've all grown quite fond of. It's way cheap, which is probably the reason for the aforementioned liking. Ten bucks for two hours of pool. 
Actually it's more, but my friends force me to flirt with the nasty old chunti dude that runs the place, so we don't have to play full price.
ah..the things i'm willing to do to save ten dollars.
but, that ten dollars will be paying for more coconut oil...so I suppose it justifies itself in some way or another.
OH OH.

I want this. BAAAD.
I told my mom I was going to start riding my bike everywhere to conserve on gas.
But I refuse to wear a helmet.
Helmets are for losers who give a damn about what happens to their skull in the event they fall off their bicycle.
Helmet hair = big no no on me....so i'm willing to take that risk...FOR THE SAKE OF MY HAIR...PLUS...helmets makes my head look all lopsided and lumpy and ewok like...which doesn't exactly make it easy in the event that i'd just so happen to run into a good looking dude.
I mean, it's hard ENOUGH, trying to come off rico suave-ish without the corney factor coming into play.
"Is that a pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
wait..not a pen...I mean a flashlight...yes...a flashlight....if it were a pen, that'd mean you'd have a small weenier...which is most definetely NOT what i'm trying to say....I mean...if you DO, then that's cool, since you can't really help it..but then again, they have those pumps that suck all the blood into it to make it bigger...but does it REALLY make it bigger? I mean, it'll just be like a balloon animal....a balloon animal filled with blood....that just so happens to not be an animal..but a penis....
i'm shutting up now."

this is probably WHY i've been single for so long.

most of my relationships don't seem to last anyways...the guy always seems to think i'm going to cheat...and I never do! because that's just jacked up. ya mean?
THEY always cheat!
eeerghlack.

Time to get ready for school.
I'm glad i'm not taking math this quarter.
I'm going to try to avoid taking it for as long as humanely possible....math just makes my brain all jangley like...and then it sort of just goes numb.
I tried explaining this to my last math professor...explaining that beyond basic arithmetic, unless you're going into a math related field..there's really NO need for all this damn formulas to be memorized.
"well april, what if your toilet leaks..and you need to figure out how to fix it and install parts?"
"that's gay. I'd just call a plumber or something."
"what if you didn't have access to one."
"then i'd buy a new toilet. because i'm a baller like that."

"sigh."

He gave up on me. I don't blame him. I spent half that class trying to figure out sneaky ways to subconsciously force my unnaturally sexy philosophy professor into leaving his wife and becoming my sex slave. It didn't work. But it will. Someday.

Class calls. 
Tah tah for now mon amies. 

Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Passion of...Justin Fatica


AHAHAHA.

My brother found him featured in some ridiculous article in a magazine at his school...being as considerate as he is, he brought the article home for me (awe, destroyed school property? for me? how sweet :] ) and I managed to find a video of it on youtube to share with everyone. heh.




Saturday, April 19, 2008

and then I envisioned him being shot in the face

                Double Chocolate Hazelnut Tart

       Chocolate and Coconut Cream Tartlet


"...and I'm gonna call this my 'I wish I had never met you so my life would still be intact' pie".

my mom bought the movie waitress, and though not really a keri russell fan, I decided it give it a shot. pretty funny stuff. though, maybe I only found it so comical because I was able to eerily relate to her fu*ked up relationship in the movie, and the awkwardness of carrying on another one on the down low....not so much the baby part though. hah.

speaking of awkward, I ran into an ex of mine at the gas station...
now, there's a lot about me you guys don't know (not that i'd expect you to all know the dark underbelly of my life happenings...and if you DID..well, you either know me personally, or you're stalking me.) but in a nutshell, this relationship was one of those 'dramatic, extremely volatile, sex crazed, alcoholism inducing' relationships. Now when I say volatile... volatile = shit being thrown, including (but not limited to) fists, lamps, needles, bottles, shoes and at some point or another, I believe a cast iron pan. 

Anyways, at some point or another, things ended because, like EVERY guy I date, he found something better (obviously, right?) and decided he'd have his cake and eat it to (literally). I found out, got pissed, more shit was thrown, he apologized, and I spent my days boozing it up and jumping from person to person in different club scenes to distract myself. 
I'm really very good at that. 

well, I always told him karma would catch up with him...that you can't just go around screwing (again, literally) people, and just live out your life. SOMETHING bad would happen sooner or later...and though I cared deeply, not NEARLY as deeply as my constant wishing that he'd come down with some form of testicular cancer...hell, i'd even settle for him gaining 60lbs or so and getting type 2 diabetes. hehe...that'd teach him. He stills has both balls, and he's still skinny as shit and unfortunately, diabetes free. BUT..and this is a big BUT...he's got 2 kids, with, I swear to you, the nastiest, white trash, trailer park piece of shit you've ever seen. Girl looks like a cross mutation of a donkey and an emu. sort of a long, beak"ish" face. (just so I don't seem like a total bitch writing this, i have met her on a previous occasion, and she's rude as hell...so no, I do NOT feel badly about calling her these very appropriately given nicknames)

what goes around comes around I guess.


which makes me think....I've done some pretty horrible things in my life...mostly to myself...which still bad, if not worse.
so what's in store for me?

who knows.
maybe my boobs will get even SMALLER then they already are.
or maybe my ass will double in size, while the rest of my body remains the same...rendering me some unproportional  freak of nature.

ehhh, i'll probably die alone with my 450852855 cats and my raw desserts.
HAH.
you love my optimism.  :D



Friday, April 18, 2008

So then I danced in front of 200 people

    strawberry "short"cake


So there I was in my COMM 120 lecture class in a group I was assigned to randomly by number by the prof. 20 minutes to write out a demo speech to present to the class. Each of us in the group were frantically trying to figure out what the hell to write in those few fleeting minutes...
one of the guys in our group (who i've come to call vader flytrap because of this annoying habit he has of BREATHING WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN)
"uhhmm...we could teach them to..uh....tie their shoes?" 
YES. WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA! 
because OBVIOUSLY, if you're attending university, you've yet to figure out how to do that...and would thus be something that people would be able to realistically apply to their own lives and have genuine interest in..
another guy suggested guitar hero.
I blow at that game, and we're only allowed 5-7 minutes to explain the necessary "steps". Not enough time.
how to use an iPOD?

hm...that might actually work...considering half of the free world OWNS an iPOD, but with apple fucking up all the time, only a good 1/3 of those people know how to properly operate one.
we need a good opening catch.
hmm.
HM..

"I'LL DANCE LIKE THE 2 DIMENSIONAL GUY ON THE IPOD COMMERCIALS !" I announced loudly enough to cause a small echo in the room.
...what?
....WHAT?
you're going to dance in front of 200 people...?

sure. why the hell not? I don't give a shit about these people, and besides..everyone in here is ugly, so I have no one I need to impress. HAH.
we got our speech ready, and I put my ipod on, strolling down the stairs towards the stage portion of the room.
busted out the Britany spears "it's britney bitch". haha
nothing quite soothes your nerves like britney spear's new song. seriously. the song is ridiculous, but also extremely catchy, so it's pretty hard to dislike.

And then I danced.
for a good, solid minute or so.
took off my ipod, and explained to the crowd that no, I was NOT having an epileptic  seizure (though, that's probably more of what it resembled rather then any sort of 'dancing' I was attempting)  but was impersonating the ipod commercial guy.
the speech was given.
we got good marks from the prof...
who called me ballsy and mad on my comment card sheet.

mad?
maybe just slightly...

All dancing aside, there's this really hot dude that takes the class now...but he's kind of fat...not that I have anything against people who are a little heavier....being slender is just a personal preference that I look for in the opposite sex...he has an insanely good looking face though. man.
the whole time I was just sitting there thinking, "man..I bet he'd be hotter then Sergei if he went raw...mmm....Sergei....."
and then I zoned off into my usual fantasy of Sergei Boutenko walking around naked fanning me with large banana leaves as I lay sprawled out in the sun, eating my raw desserts and drinking coconut water..
ah...one day...
you watch..

On the business side of things, next month I plan on taking out a small business loan to get "april's uncooked" up and off the ground.
I never realized how much REALLY went into doing all this...all the licensing and permiting needed....
who knew that it's illegal to sell food you made out of your home?
....oops!

whatever. stupid ass california and our stupid laws.
if this were mexico, and i could have human fingers and toes floating around in there, and the health dept. wouldn't say shit.

eeeeehh.
oh oh oh!
I checked Goodwin's to see how my dessert sales were doing, today being day 8 they've been on sale.
27 slices sold so far.
earth cafe is still completely in stock...and there's only 2 slices left of my dessert.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAH
SUUUUCK IT!!!

you don't fuck with me.
imma bring you dowwwwwwn.




Friday, April 11, 2008

tapeworms snuck into my green drink..

Feel free to donate to the "April Needs New Piping Bags Fund" which will prevent me
from having to rely on toothpicks to decorate my desserts, such as this carrot cake. 
(they work just as well..just not so much on 'time' efficency front...haha...
stupid toothpicks.."


Yes, TAPEWORMS.
That's the only logical reasoning I can come to with my most recent "eating" frenzies...
actually, the word frenzy may very well be a BIG BIG BIG understatement..haha..more like human vacuum cleaner.

I've started lifting heavier weights when I work out, so i'm thinking that's the culprit..
otherwise i'm falling back on the parasite theory.

Here an example of a normal day for me:

7:00 am - green smoothie, complete with kale, mango, kiwi, and an apple. (also, a premixed 'super blend' with maca, bee pollen, etc)
9:30 am- a few fresh figs 
12:30 pm - large salad with some avacado, and then a slice of one of my desserts
3:00 pm - an apple
5:30 pm -  another large salad...or nori rolls if i'm not up to eathing


Now here's an example of what I like to refer to as "FAT ASS" days: (i.e. the past week or so)

7:00 am - green smoothie as listed above
9:30 am - figgggssss
12:30 pm - Now...here's where it gets messy, i STILL have my salad...but....shit...
the desserts usually include more then a slice...more like 2-3..HAH
3:00 pm - fig pecan cookies
5:30 pm - DESSSERRRRTSSSSSSSSSS

i'm not fat by any means...in fact, i've experimented enough with my diet intake to know exactly what will, and what will NOT = weight gain.
nuts? honestly..not so much
avacado? naw
coconut? nooope
tahini and sesame seeds? YEEEES
olive oil? YESSSSS

I can literally eat tons of fruit/nuts/veggies and stay the same...but you know, it's kind of annoying to be constantly hungry..and it's not that I CRAVE certain things...I just eat and eat and eat and eaaaat! hahaha

oh well. whatever...my ass needs to get bigger anyways, same on the boob front.
i'm like, negative zero in that department......concave boobage.

oh, on a positive note..I got 100% on my psych. exam...that I did NOT study for (woo).
so of course, I had to celebrate with dessert (because i'm a fat ass.)
haha

Also, if ANYONE knows ANYTHING about licensing and selling products to larger retail grocery stores (i.e. whole foods), hit me up. seriously. i'm already doing the Goodwin's thing...but I need to get into an area where people don't get scared off by the idea of eating something "vegan"...

"GASP, healthy?!! what is this foreign concept?!! wait...I think I MAY have seen it on a billboard on my way to Wendy's this afternoon.."


i'm getting impatient...and the longer this takes, the more appealing the moonlight bunny ranch is starting to look.

"hello, i'm april..and i'll be your escort for the evening.."
"excuse me?"
"...i'm going to ride you like a horse"
"oh, okay then!"


Thursday, April 10, 2008

If they don't care, why do I give a shit?

Sorry for laggin on the blog posting lately...i've never been so ridiculously busy in my life.. (okay, I might be exaggerating a BIT..but i'm trying to make a point here) All week, I've been running around like a chicken without a fucking head. Back and forth, up and down, here and there, blah and blaaaah.
Going to sleep at 5 o'clock in the morning, waking up at 7 (because by no choice of my own, i'm one of those weirdos who can't sleep in past 7:30am) and then rushing in between class and Goodwin's Organics, then coming home around 10 and doing some half assed attempt at starting homework for the next class (which usually isn't for another 2 days..but if I don't start on this start ahead of time, I'll forget.)  and then back to making desserts..I honestly just wish I could cut out the homework (who REALLY needs to know what a dendrite is? Because you know how imperative this information is in your day to day life....damn neuroscience bullshit..) and jump straight into the desserts. Time seriously flies when I'm in the "dessert mode" state of mind. Everything becomes nothing, and I care to hear is the lovely sound of the vitamix crushing my nuts into an oblivion (while simultaneously praying that the damn thing doesn't overheat..as it has a tendancy to do so). 

So onto the good stuff.
There's plenty of it...so brace yourself......
...

are you ready?
...

no?
...

too fucking bad, i'm telling you anyways.

 
So here's a little background information on the store featured here in the picture on your left...or right i guess, depending on where you're positioned on your computer.
Here's something I stole from their site which goes over the company's "goal" ...

"About Goodwin's Organic Foods & Drinks"

"Martin Goodwin, a third generation grocery retailer, saw a real need to help people improve the quality and length of their lives by providing the most whole and pure Organic foods and drinks available.

There were some challenges to overcome, including sorting out the clutter of terms surrounding foods: Antibiotic free. Organic. All natural. No hormones. Locally grown.

All of them have their benefits. Unfortunately, when most people hear or see “natural” or any number of the other terms, they assume “Organic” as well. Not so.

After months of visiting a number of “health food” stores and “natural markets” Martin thought, “It would be great to walk into a market with the assurance that everything in the store is certified Organic. No checking labels. No concerns that part of what you’re enjoying on a break between classes or bringing home to your family that evening is going to be laden with contaminants.”

Goodwin’s Organic Foods & Drinks was born. More than a store, Goodwin’s is committed to creating a community dedicated to enjoying life – at the market and online – and we invite you to be a part of it. There’s more information in the Community and Membership sections, so take a look at each of them. You’ll see that what we’re ultimately committed to is your health and wellbeing; helping you to vitalize your living. We’re glad you’re here, and look forward to visiting with you in person at the lounge in the market."

You know what I love about this store? The people that work here (well, MOST of them) and the owners, are actually genuinely NICE people and who actually give a shit about their customer's. This leads me into my next point.

I've been trying to break "into" selling my desserts in stores (mostly due in part to a personal vendetta I have with earth cafe) and making it affordable to people. Personally, when I'm out and see some raw dessert that looks interesting...i'll usually pick it up and (obviously) check the price. Most of the time it's going to be well over $5.00, and it's going to be some dinky ass, piece of shit, my rabbit makes turds bigger then that, portion. I've been pedaling my raw desserts to pretty everyone that works at this store, just because I figured..if I was going to start somewhere...why not here? I'm totally down with supporting family run businesses.

Blah blah blah..one thing lead to another, and the next thing I know, i'm walking around with the owner's wife who's asking me if i'd be interested in selling my raw desserts there. 

...

um...NO FUCKING SHIT I AM!!! HOLY HELL YES!!! JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST I LOVEEE YOU FOR ASKING ME!!! I didn't actually say that....but I imagine it would've been pretty hysterical if I had (the owner's are like, hardcore religious) haha...

 So today was the official "first" day of my products being on the shelf for sale. PRETTTTYYYY EXCITTINGGG!

I'm trying not to get TOO excited though, since the demographics are way more different out here in san bernardino...you ask people if they'd like to sample something vegan and THAT'S extreme for them...let alone RAW vegan...

I was out putting samples next to my desserts (intentionally RIGHT NEXT to earth cafe's sample sized $7 cheesecakes, MWAHAHA) and some lady grabbed one and said, "how many CALORIES are in this?"

I then proceeded to explain the concepts of raw vegan foods, and how your body utilizes whole, organic raw food, much differently then processed, packaged food...needless to say (her cart was filling with 100 calorie cheese snack packs and gummi fruit snacks.) she wasn't very convinced..and walked away, disappointed by the fact that these desserts weren't blasted enough to a point where they'd be less then 50 calories each. 


If you look closely, you'll notice a few things. 1. my raw brownies are being sold $4.00 a pop...the pies (I did the pumpkin pecan) are going for $4.50 2. earth cafe's dinky sized cheesecakes cowering underneath mine 3. my sad attempt at packaging and labeling, since I had literally NO time to get proper tags made in time.

At first they wanted to sell my pies for $6.75 a piece. Nope, won't do it. "But you'll make more money." Don't care...I'll worry about making more money when i'm actually in DIRE need of it...which i'm not at the moment..also...it's a new product, and I don't want to scare people off by trying to market something they're ALREADY if-y about at a higher price...not higher then earth cafe..but still high compared to what they can get a junk cheesecake for. It's just not fair. I want people to be able to taste and SEE that raw vegan food isn't "weird" or just all about salads and fruit (even though, let's face it, it probably SHOULD BE, haha) I guess it just boils down to caring about people, and their health.

There's enough people giving bad vibes and being pissed off at everyone and everything....

           "cold pressed espresso pie...organic coffee +dessert=magic"


This is going to sound REALLY weird...but, okay...so I was out running around trying to get desserts stocked, and this little kid was crying hysterically...like, you would've SWORN her mom smacked the shit out of her when no one was looking, because seriously..her face was BEET red.

So while i'm running back and forth, I eat shit and trip over some stupid extension cord left out on the floor...SHIT HURT SOOO BAD! And what happens? Well, aside from a pathetic attempt at trying to look "suave" while falling, and saying as I got up "yeah, I totally meant to do that..now don't go and try to jock my moves you boo boo motherf'ers."...the little kid starts laughing SO LOUD!

I get up, brush myself off, and she starts looking sad again.

Response?

BAAANGGGG. RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING WALL.

only this time, completely intentional....she starts laughing again. Ah, music to my ears (well, opposed to her screaming bloody hell anyways).....i'm not quite sure WHY most children find violence, or self-inflicted harm humorous (okay..probably for the same reasons WE do..but come on, they're kids! that type of humor shouldn't develop until at LEAST 10 years old) but because I give a shit about people more then I do about myself, I happily threw myself into the wall, and other various hard surfaces, a few more times for her amusement. "look at the crazy girl mommy, she's funnnnny!"

yeah, funny looking! ohh, self-burn.


Well, it's time for me to relax (i.e. strip down and watch the food network with some blueberry coconut ice cream) Cross your fingers for me that my desserts do well! I know i'd have no problem selling them in LA, or Orange County...but you know...you have to start somewhere right?


ALSO...don't eat more then 5 figs in a sitting. Seriously. I had to leave lecture twice because I got the mean shits from eating so many of them. AHAHA. not that you needed to know that, but now you do...so deal with it. :]

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

trick daddy and blowin' bills



Does anybody remember him?
He had like, ONE hit song...and then disappeared off the face of the earth.
"cause baby imma thug...all day everyday...baby imma thug...wouldn't change for the world..uh huh cause imma thug.."
pretty catchy song.
damn thing's been stuck in my head all day.
you know, I added up all the money I spend weekly on making raw desserts..and yeah...haha....wow...funny stuff..
if you saw my atm receipts that come in the mail..you'd probably just gawk in complete awe and, possibley, confusion.
I know I did at first.
HM..that much money goes into food weekly? interesting.
just interesting.
it doesn't bother me (maybe it should though, since, let's face it...i'm no Bill Gates in the financial dept.) though, because I love every minute of it. And what the hell's the point of even HAVING money, if ALL of it is going into things that either piss you off, or you'd just overall rather not be spending money on.
Like my grandpa used to say, "ayeee...you're always going to have bills! live it up while you can."
true that.
after watching iron chef america, and morimoto using matcha for everything and anything he could get his hands on, I picked up some Rishi matcha from the store.
PFFT. not cheap.
I didn't expect it to be...but I also didn't expect to pay $20 for 8 dinky ass little 1/4oz. packets!
it's all good though...the cheesecake I made with it turned out beyond delicious.

bomby matcha cheesecake


even MORE bomby Blackforest Cherry Cake that
was made when I got home from my evening classes.



Oh what, what, what to make next...?
I wanna get my hands on some Paula Deen recipes and make em raw.

mmm...
damn her...and her butter...