Eggs, Corona and Seasonal Crap

Once upon a time there was an "easter bunny", who somehow has the miraculous capability to fill little boys and little girls baskets with cute little pieces of chocolate and "hide" a ridiculous amount of obscenely colored eggs in bushes and shit. 

...

It's safe to conclude that this seems more like an acid and shroom induced hallucination then anything even SLIGHTY related to Jesus.

Damn Hallmark holidays trying to brainwash consumers into buying MORE shit we don't need, rather then spend money based on need.

Complete fuckery I tell you. Fuck.

Anyways, I hope everyone's Easter Sunday was as eventful as my own. 

While my family relaxed out in our backyard, soaking themselves in the terribley lovely aroma of slaughtered cow and corona (which they used my organic $4.99 key limes in, DAMN IT!) I was in the house filling plastic eggs with butterfingers and sprees. All of my little cousins were begging me for one before the "easter egg hunt" started. Well, most of them (in my experiance of being around them AFTER them having consumed milk and such) 1. you can’t eat dairy and those sad-excuse-for-chocolate eggs only have one ingredient derived from nature and that is dried cow lactation and B. if you still want the egg THAT bad, even after knowing what that milk chocolate is going to do to your ass, you're going to have to wait an hour for the egg hunt like everybody else.

After filling the neon plastic eggs (which probably have traces of lead..so CNN reported anyways..) with annoying sparkly green imitation grass and candy, the kids ran around like crackheads frantically pushing each other into trees and chairs in an attempt to "win" the egg hunt. the prize? You get a pat on the back from your drunken mother, who's sitting next to my drunken mother...with MY key lime in HER corona...ahem..okay, i'm over the key lime thing. Just needed to vent. 

My cousin payed me to construct her an Easter Cake to take to her work's Easter party. (the county finds any reason to celebrate and not work, so it seems..) She didn't want anything raw (damn it), or even VEGAN (damn it again)..just a regular ol' "make your ass bigger before you can try to suck in and make your jeans fit right" cake.

Cake of choice?

Southern Red Velvet

Now, i'm a bit of a tweeker when it comes to decorating things, anything at all. Seriously.

So this is how I broke down how the cake was to be constructed.

a. make fondant, since paying $15 a lb. for pre-made shit is outrageous. ESPECIALLY since, if you know how to do it, you can make your own fondant for about $5.

b. make and bake cake

c. frost cake, layer with rolled fondant

d. decorate fondant with easter shit

Here are a few pictures of the cake making:

And then the finished cake with fondant and such...

The cake lasted about 20 minutes at her job. I got a call later on from a woman who works with her (apparently she got my number from my cousin) asking me if I could do a baby shoe for her son's baptismal. Sure, why not?

We'll see how it all pans out...

(ps. I realize that the middle portion of this post's text is all fucked up. Stupid blogger won't let me fix it, so after 2 minutes of trying, I gave up.)